Jenny Sanbrook
Accredited Mental Health Social Worker
Certified Gottman Therapist
Level 1, 2 and 3 Gottman Trainer
In the 1996 film “Jerry Macquire” a sports agent ( played by Tom Cruise) is fired from his job as a high profile sports agent. The movie is about his scramble to rescue his career, propelling him into a crisis of conscience. Only one client is loyal to him, Grid Iron player Rod Tidwell, played by Cuba Gooding Junior. There are several memorable quotes from this movie, the romantic ones (“you had me at hello”), and the business ones. A favourite scene of mine is watching Jerry try to get Rod to agree with him, but Rod is being particularly stubborn – ironically, Jerry ends up pleading with him, the client, “help me help you, help me help you”.
Sound familiar? Wondering why someone you are trying to help is pushing you away? Feeling frustrated when trying to get someone to do something different to help themselves. Hoping they won’t repeat the same mistakes? If so, you are encountering a form of resistance; any thought, attitude, emotion or behaviour that a client expresses that strengthens the status quo and prevents the path of change (Corey 2004). It may be defensiveness, it may be unwillingness to do certain homework tasks. It might be arguing in session or counter attacking. It might be asking for justification for your approach or demanding an outcome. Other indicators can be selective silences, talking about side problems or failing to establish behavioural goals.
In couples work resistance may be more powerful. When a person may be coming at the request of the other or may be fearful of requests for change. Moreover, couples are often ambivalent about the relationship itself and the therapy. Wanting to be listened to and validated but not challenged in any way.
Reflecting on times I’ve felt resistant to new ideas, they’ve tended to involve feeling unheard, silenced, rushed or sensing an imbalance of power. In my own experience of therapy in various forms, I know if the therapist sidelines me, ignores or devalues things I say, it will create resistance (thankfully, I have had mostly excellent professionals in my life so these experiences have been rare and short-lived). Likewise, feeling “told what to do” or “advised” when advice has not been sought is also a sure fire way of getting a strong-willed person to do the opposite!
Types of Resistance
As with anything resistance exists on a continuum of intensity from High Friction to Low Friction.
Overt Hostile resistance: High Friction – Ranging from resistance delivered in an openly combative manner that communicates a personal attack on the therapist ( disparaging the therapist’s competence, methods, or personal qualities), to arguing with the therapist, being antagonistic, interrupting or denying (Hill et.al 2003) and (Westras et.al. 2009).
Covert Resistance: Moderate Friction – Non-hostile forms of non-cooperation and treatment-interfering behaviors Eg: homework noncompliance, tardiness/poor attendance, not answering questions, setting own agenda.
Cognitive Avoidance: Low Friction – client appears to be participating, but their mind is actively fleeing the emotional core of the issue Eg: Intellectualising, blaming others for their own problems, making excuses for behavior.
Compliant Masking Fawn/Submit: This is the lowest-friction and most deceptive form of resistance. The client presents no hostility, making it easy to mistake for rapid progress. Overly pleasing the therapist, constantly praising them, and agreeing with every interpretation. Saying exactly what they think the therapist wants to hear to avoid being challenged or forced into deeper emotional vulnerability.
Why Do People Resist Therapy?
Most theories suggest resistance is caused by the internal conflict between the desire to alter oneself and the fear of losing the perceived safety of old habits. Resistance can also be a sign of having difficulty expressing oneself. Given the inherently interpersonal, reciprocal, and dynamic nature of therapy, the assumption that hostile resistance is purely a product of a hostile patient is usually a simplistic view. A skilled therapist should reasonably expect that patient qualities are also related to complex interactions with therapist or treatment factors. Here are a few that may be worth considering:
Therapist Factors in Resistance
- Having an overly directive or rigid treatment plan
Studies in hostile resistance showed a pattern whereby more directive interventions lead to higher resistance, while more supportive strategies reduce resistance. This doesn’t mean throwing out basic rules, accepting abuse or unsafe behaviour, moving outside your code of ethics or professional standards. However the ability to soften, be flexible and respond with compassion can usually occur within these guardrails.
- Poorly managed countertransference
When a therapist redirects their own personal feelings, unresolved conflicts, or unconscious biases onto a client. Unchecked and poorly managed this leads to a power struggle or disengagement or treatment being derailed. This can also appear as arrogance or coming across as the “expert” on the person.
- Using fewer empathic statements
Noticing you are tuning out, feeling stressed, getting angry or frustrated with the client may lead to more “combative statements” eg “you’re choosing to make yourself angry right now” “everyone goes through that”, “what do you think is wrong with you”. If you are finding these statements are coming out it is time for a break or take the case to supervision.
- A poor working alliance
For example, “Starting off on the wrong foot”, cutting clients off, dismissive or invalidating statements, showing bias towards one person, unequal time given to all parties in a session, taking sides, poor administrative or billing practices (overcharging, unclear cancellation policies, being inflexible), putting profit before the person.
- Failure to repair ruptures
Unresolved ruptures in the working alliance – not apologising when you make a mistake, having double standards (it’s ok for me to consistently run late but you can’t), forgetting appointments, consistent booking errors, not taking responsibility when you have caused more upset or distress or made a poor judgment call. We need to be able to apologise to our clients and make amends – we are all human and all make mistakes.
- Therapist Burnout
Not looking after yourself or taking enough breaks can lead to poor client care. Exhausted clinicians may struggle to remain fully present, leading to weakened therapeutic rapport, emotional detachment, and an increased risk of errors.
Client Factors in Resistance
- Personality and Dispositional qualities of the client
Narcissism: As evidenced by frequent expressions of one’s own specialness and entitlement.
Obsessiveness: As evidenced by over-concern with perfect accuracy of reports and detailed monologues.
Belligerence: Anger or frequently expressing disparaging, offensive, or dismissive comments, humor, or body language.
- Negative Sentiment Override, Prejudice and “hatewatching”.
John Gottman discovered a concept called Negative Sentiment Override- the phenomenon in relationships of scanning the environment for what’s missing. Having a “chip on your shoulder” seeing neutral things as negative etc. Another term I came across when researching this article was “hate watching” the act of consuming media, a television show or movie, that you generally dislike or consider objectively terrible, purely to derive entertainment from mocking, criticizing, or complaining about its flaws. Hatewatching is driven by internal conflicts and unresolved feelings of inadequacy. Individuals who engage in this behavior often experience a persistent sense of being “not enough.” Instead of addressing these painful emotions directly, they find temporary relief in the act of denigrating an external target. The negative stimulus provides a fleeting sense of superiority, masking deeper insecurities. The irony is that the very behavior intended to uplift the individual reinforces the cycle of negativity, as the habitual focus on hate only deepens internal distress over time. See for example (Vinney, Cynthia 2024) https://www.verywellmind.com/why-we-love-to-hate-watch-8750652
- Unconscious Defence Mechanisms
According to psychoanalytic models, the ego has several specific defenses, such as “denial, sublimation, isolation, intellectualization, displacement, regression, projection, and reaction formulation” (Leahy, 2003). As a result, clients may be unaware of their actual problems because their defenses protect them from the truth, exhibited as resistance (Leahy, 2003).
- Expectations
A client’s low expectancy for improvement (they’ve been here before and saw no change) or low beliefs in treatment’s credibility (lack of clarity from therapist, treatment with little or no research base). Or alternatively overly high expectations and unrealistic goals for change of self or the other.
Where There Is Little Resistance
In some studies – where there was little to no resistance, the client tended to be more “easy going client” – these clients are more cooperative, engaged, and attentive, exhibiting minimal resistance of any kind. Some appeared dispositionally easygoing, in that they responded cooperatively and non-defensively even in the face of therapists’ mistakes and difficult tasks (e.g., exposures). Schwartz et.al (2021). High levels of insight and motivation can also play a role along with good therapist skills, however it is important to delineate between this and passive resistance.
Ways To Manage Resistance with Individuals and Couples
Newman (1994) states that the therapist should not indicate a sense of discomfort at the emergence of resistance instead if possible to transform the resistance into a tool of empathy and tailor made interventions for the client. For example a therapist may interpret resistance such as long silences as a way the client is protecting one’s self. Here are some other ways to tackle resistance.
Foster the Clients Agency
- Allow the client to find and develop their skills and means to address problems
- Use open-ended questions to help the client explore their personal experience without influence.
- Let the client sit and silently experience their emotions, even uncomfortable ones.
- Skilled counselors balance how they handle avoidant responses, remaining sensitive to the client’s needs and feelings while still tackling the reason for being in therapy.
Respond with Curiosity, Compassion and and Open-Ended Questions
| Hearing this? | Try this… |
| Client: I don’t like saying “that makes sense, or “that sounds hard for you” it feels fake. | Therapist: “I’m wondering if you ever heard this kind of thing yourself growing up, or did people tend to tell you to do better, be better, not overreact etc”. “If so, it makes sense that giving or receiving empathy might feel uncomfortable right now. I wonder if it’s something we can explore”. |
| Client: “I understand because I feel the exact same way”. | Therapist: “Is there a small; part of his perspective that seems most important to understand. Can you tell him that part”? |
| Client: “Why should I try if my partner isn’t willing to commit”. | Therapist: “Yes, it’s a risk to be vulnerable like this again. Could we take things slowly and check-in with how you’re feeling each step of the way”? |
| Client: “Why should I have to be transparent, I‘m entitled to my privacy”. | Therapist: “Tell me about what privacy means for you”. “What giving some of that up might mean” |
| Client: “You don’t understand, you don’t have children/you’re not married”. “You are too young /too old to understand, you’re a man/woman”. | Therapist: “You’re worried I won’t understand what you are going through – I may not have experienced your circumstances but I do know what rejection, grief, or anxiety feels like”. (NB: you do not need to share a history to share an emotion). |
| Client: “you haven’t lost a child, how can you understand?”. | “I haven’t faced that exact scenario myself but I am right here listening, and want to understand as much as you’re willing to share”. “I haven’t walked in your shoes, but I can hear how incredibly heavy/difficult this is for you”. |
Exploring the Internal Working Model (IWM)
The IWM is formed from the meaning each individual assigns to his or her history of affect regulating experiences which influences how a person approaches relationships. Winnicott (1965) pointed out – the Internal Representational World (how the infant is held and contained) sets up a template and expectations for adult relationships.
In other words, the IWM sets up attachment expectations – if a person is used to being soothed when distressed, the person will seek comfort from the partner. From this we can form a secure, anxious resistant, avoidant or disorganised style. In couples therapy we often hear statements directed at a partner that indicate resistance eg …. “He’s being a baby, I don’t suffer fools, children should be seen and not heard”. When these statements are directed at the partner we address this by an IWM approach. We do this by asking “where have you heard that before”…. “is that something you say to yourself” …”what do you make that mean about you” – “when you say that to your partner are you saying it to yourself”. In exploring Family of Origin and the IWM the therapist creates space where thinking, feeling and understanding replace defences.
Interrupt behaviours that sabotage progress
John Gottman (1999) highlights 4 specific behaviors in couple conflict that need interrupting outlined in the table below: Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling, Contempt. Each one can be seen as a powerful form of resistance to their partner’s underlying longing or wish as they can redirect focus away from personal accountability and emotional vulnerability.They also lead to a pervasive state of negativity.
| Criticism Deflecting Self-Reflection: Converts personal pain into a partner’s flaw.Blocking Internal Work: Focuses on changing the partner instead of looking inward.Creating a Blame Loop: Halts progress by keeping the session stuck on past grievances. | The Antidote Use the softened start up – “I felt upset about the conversation at dinner being mainly about your day and I need you to ask about what’s happening for me”. |
| Defensiveness Rejecting Feedback: Dismisses insights from both the partner and the therapist.Evading Responsibility: Frames the self as an innocent victim who does nothing wrong. | The AntidoteTaking responsibility – finding some way that the partners need or complaint makes sense. This might sound like : “ok good point, fair enough, I can see where you are coming from with this”. |
| Stonewalling Halting Communication: Physically or emotionally withdraws, stopping the session in its tracks.Refusing Collaboration: Signals an unwillingness to engage in the therapeutic process.Controlling the Narrative: Uses silence to dictate when and how a topic can be discussed. | The AntidoteSelf soothing by taking a break for around 20 minutes to bring down the heart rate. This may involve using pulse oxymeters in the therapy room to monitor heart rate and also leading the couple through a relaxation exercise (breathing/muscle relaxation, guided visualisation). |
| Contempt Destroying Safety: Uses mockery to erode the safe space needed for therapy.Asserting Superiority: Places one partner “above” the other, breaking the therapeutic alliance.Masking True Emotion: Hides deep-seated feelings like sadness or fear behind anger and disgust. | The AntidoteDescribe yourself not your partner and to try and create a culture of appreciation. This will sound like voicing your need without putting down your partner which may hurt his/her feelings, try telling him/her what you would appreciate to feel more supported. This needs to be phrased as what you do want, not what you don’t want. |
But What About Chronic Negativity – Is There An Antidote?
Yes – A countermeasure to hatewatching and negativity is the development of a strong, stable system of personal values and self-worth. When an individual’s sense of identity is grounded in authentic goals and positive self-beliefs, the influence of external negative stimuli diminishes. This internal validation can be reinforced by setting clear personal objectives and engaging in activities that foster positive growth, joy, and a genuine sense of achievement. It is essential to cultivate an inner foundation based on self-respect and personal competence. By anchoring self-esteem in intrinsic qualities rather than in comparisons, individuals can build resilience.
| Rather than seeking validation through the devaluation of others, a healthy approach involves taking stock of one’s strengths and accomplishments. |
Summary
In writing this I was challenged by the fact that we therapists are in this too. The assumption that resistance is purely a product of a hostile patient is a simplistic view. A skilled therapist will identify all factors in the room relating to themselves and the client and adjust accordingly. Tom Cruise learnt from Cuba Gooding Junior and came out a better sports agent – likewise our clients have much to teach us. In a review of Jerry Maquire it is commented that Jerry’s strength and dignity after his humiliating and public sacking, is the most part of the story. The transformation came through understanding (and tough talk.. but that’s sport!) and ended with a greater sense of his worth through enhanced personal qualities rather than status.
So the good news is that when resistance is encountered a client is often close to gaining insight, you’ve probably tapped into an important area to explore.
And of course, not telling you what to do, but you must watch Jerry Macquire if you haven’t – it’s a feel good movie and a great antidote to burn out! Happy watching.
References
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Gottman, J (1999) The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy. Norton New York
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Schwartz RA, Chambless DL, Milrod B, Barber JP. (2021) Patient, therapist, and relational antecedents of hostile resistance in cognitive-behavioral therapy for panic disorder: A qualitative investigation. Psychotherapy (Chic). Jun;58(2):230-241.
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Yaman, N. (2021). Working with resistance in therapy: A theoretical evaluation. IBAD Journal of Social Sciences, (9), 481-495.
Jenny Sanbrook is a trainer in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. See below for training dates and locations.
